Fort George Brewery Prepares $500 Billion Lawsuit Against MillerCoors & AB InBev
Claims the mega-beverage companies have caused irreparable harm to corn syrup brewing
[Astoria, Oregon] It began as a sophomoric attack ad but soon fermented into a multi-million dollar lawsuit between the world’s two largest beer producers. Bud Light fired the first sticky shot during the Super Bowl, blasting Miller Lite and Coors Lite for using corn syrup in their products. MillerCoors shotgunned back with a cease and desist order. But while MillerCoors and AB InBev engage in the tasteless name calling and showy lawsuits, it’s the brewing industry that’s not feeling so sweet.
And Jack Harris, co-owner of Fort George Brewery, is definitely not amused.
“These guys have it all,” Harris cries from his tree fort office atop the Fort George Lovell Building. “From your ten barrel breweries to your hoppy valleys, there is nothing they can’t buy. But it’s never enough. Do they really need to attack these time-honored brewing processes too? And right as we’re about to launch Fort Lighte.”
Fort Lighte is a new low-cal lager that the brewery expected to compete in the ultra-competitive domestic beer aisle. This all barley, rice meal, and corn syrup liquid uses the highest-quality ingredients from the world’s finest fields.
“Our brewers spent days studying their rigorous quality assurance processes,” Harris continues. “We boiled up countless batches of rice meal, we never took consistency lightly, and we committed ourselves to excellence and the spirit of innovation. We even flew to Iowa to sample the highest fructose corn syrup we could find. Iowa. Do you know what that’s like?
Based on a brief statement by their lawyer, Fort George will look to recoup the development costs of the Fort Lighte brand, $2,891.89 in actual costs from the 1,000 barrel test batch, and $500 Billion in compensatory damages — or what they are calling the spoiled fruits.
“It’s no secret that we started a well publicized push to buy AB InBev a few years back,” Harris explains.
In 2015, Fort George began an online campaign to raise $250 Billion in cash to purchase the international conglomerate. As of this story, their GoFundMe sits $250 Billion short of its goal.
[Fort George Looks to Purchase Anheuser-Busch InBev – The New School – April 1st, 2015 https://www.newschoolbeer.com/2015/04/fort-george-looks-to-purchase-anheuser-busch-inbev-search-for-investors-in-the-preliminary-stages.html]
“I can only imagine that the top brass at AB InBev is hoping to devalue their business, so we won’t push forward with our hostile takeover,” Harris continues.
What happens next with this added layer of legal drama is unknown. However, Harris remains cautious
“I’m sitting on vats of beechwood aged corn syrup. What the hell am I supposed to do with it now?”